How Are You Not Dead?

My wife and her girlfriends (all 40ish mothers) are all about the YA novels. They trade them with each other. Whatever. I watch football and play video games. Everyone has their quirk.

But when the Breaking Dawn movie came out, they had to make a special trip. A special trip to see the movie, for a very specific reason. See, they had to preview the wedding night scene before they’ll let their daughters see the movie.

You remember Breaking Dawn, right? It’s the movie where Edward, the 300-year-old vampire, finally weds Bella, the teenage girl. The mothers were afraid something might not be appropriate for their daughters to view on the silver screen.

“Huh?” I ask. “The wedding night? What happens?”
“Well, they break the bed.”
“They break the bed.”
“Yep.”
“Like, he fucks her hard enough to break the bed?”
“Right.”
“Well, I’ve done that. Lousy IKEA shit. So, this bed-breaking love scene is in the book?”
“Well, when she wakes up and looks around, she’s sees that they’ve broken the bed.”
“So, it’s not actually in the book? There’s no line that goes, ‘And then with a final mighty thrust…'”
“No.”
“But your girlfriends are afraid they’re going to show that in the movie.”
“Right. And they want to preview it before their tween daughters see it. To make sure it’s OK.”
“Isn’t this guy a vampire? Don’t people get killed in these movies? Violently?”
“Yes. And the other guy is a…”
“He’s a werewolf. I know that. But the violence is OK?”
“Well…”
“And these girls, they’ve read the books already, right?”
“Yes, but…”
“What’s the movie rated?”
“PG-13.”
“And you’re still worried?”
“It’s different…
“OK, fuck this. I’m going downstairs to watch the Broncos game.”

Tebow threw a touchdown pass in overtime to win it.